Humor Quotes

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.
Eoin Colfer

There's no need to clarify my finger snap, said Magnus. The implication was clea...

There's no need to clarify my finger snap, said Magnus. The implication was clear in the snap itself.
Cassandra Clare

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
Matt Groening

Where is Wood? said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there. Still in the show...

Where is Wood? said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there. Still in the showers, said Fred. We think he's trying to drown himself.
J. K. Rowling

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too? Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world,...

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too? Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about? Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
Rick Riordan

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it...

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
Douglas Adams

Moths, repeats Will. You're afraid of moths? Not just a cloud of moths, she says...

Moths, repeats Will. You're afraid of moths? Not just a cloud of moths, she says, like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and... She shudders and shakes her head. Terrifying, Will says with mock seriousness. That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls. Oh, Shut up.
Veronica Roth

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Sebastian just smiled. I could hear your heart beating, he said softly. When you...

Sebastian just smiled. I could hear your heart beating, he said softly. When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you? That you seem to be dating my dad? Jace shrugged. You’re a little young for him, to be honest. What? For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
Cassandra Clare

We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now. I was going to watc...

We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now. I was going to watch Project Runway.
Cassandra Clare

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type...

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Asimov

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough bloo...

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman...

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
Suzanne Collins

People, generally, suck.

People, generally, suck.
Christopher Moore

Can you be a girl for a few seconds? I'm always a girl I frown. You know what I...

Can you be a girl for a few seconds? I'm always a girl I frown. You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl I twirl my hair around my finger. Kay.
Veronica Roth

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great trium...

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.
Neil Gaiman

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me...

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Mark Twain

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-...

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?
Julie Kagawa