Humor Quotes

Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him ha...

Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
J.K. Rowling

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyo...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Douglas Adams

Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.
Becca Fitzpatrick

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill i...

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to s...

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.
J.K. Rowling

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?
Suzanne Collins

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
Mo Willems

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.
Tina Fey

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have t...

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which...

It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Arthur Conan Doyle

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Terry Pratchett

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for...

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?
J.K. Rowling

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he...

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some pre...

Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
Cassandra Clare

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duc...

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)
Cassandra Clare

Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling m...

Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or – Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet. Great idea though, thanks, Mum.
J.K. Rowling

Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want...

Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
J.R.R. Tolkien

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Winston S. Churchill