Humor Quotes

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will d...

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Mark Twain

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a...

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a l...

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
Terry Pratchett

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend...

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Groucho Marx

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
J.K. Rowling

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge? Yes. You called her a liar? Y...

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge? Yes. You called her a liar? Yes. You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back? Yes. Have a biscuit, Potter.
J.K. Rowling

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Never memorize something that you can look up.
Albert Einstein

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Douglas Adams

I don't want to be a man, said Jace. I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who c...

I don't want to be a man, said Jace. I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead. Well, said Luke, you're doing a fantastic job.
Cassandra Clare

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for...

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
C.E.M. Joad

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who...

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
Lemony Snicket

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
Markus Herz

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?
Terry Johnson

Jesus! Luke exclaimed. Actually, it's just me, said Simon. Although I've been to...

Jesus! Luke exclaimed. Actually, it's just me, said Simon. Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.
Cassandra Clare

Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter? Yes,...

Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter? Yes, said Harry stiffly. Yes, sir. There's no need to call me sir Professor. The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
J.K. Rowling

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel lik...

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
Suzanne Collins